I once remember in college having a vivid image of Jesus under a tree in the middle of a field of green grass. He was sitting under it and when I walked up to him, I felt bad for not living up to the standards that I thought every Christian should live up to in their lives. I hadn't helped the poor or the needy as much as I should have, I hadn't been as personally responsible or read the Bible or been as consistent with so many things. Yet, when I went to him I can remember him saying it would be okay.
Life doesn't turn out okay ... or at least it doesn't feel that way. Years of flailing around in the wilderness of just life itself takes a toll on a person. It isn't so much that we feel unworthy or we do things that aren't that great; its just the mediocrity of it all. The nine to five job or being stuck in the same place can kill a person. I'd wake up with that vision in my head and my heart. I'd feel it getting harder and harder to get back there. The rage just to be under the tree and hear him say it was going to be okay wasn't half so heart breaking as feeling that it was getting farther and farther away.
The thing is that faith in God is never about us. It never has been and never will be. Faith in God is a painful, grueling experience. There is this glimmer of hope in God and that glimmer gets fainter and fainter. The mountain top experiences where you thought you believed in God move further and further into your recesses and it is only the fool who always says that he or she had always clung to faith.
These people forget the great giants of faith. They forget how Abraham doubted, Moses had to lose everything, and Paul had to be knocked off his ass. These are the people that we idolize in our churches and hold up to as great examples of what it means to believe. Perhaps the greatest example of one of these giants of faith is Elijah who, having just scored a victory for the existence of God that is still unparalleled in all of existence, not only becomes suicidal, but wants God to do the job for him. (This is either the most whiny assisted suicide of all recorded history or the most lazy.)
It is because of these imperfect people that a Christian gets his or her strength. Some ludicrous nabob is "called" because they are fit for nothing else in life but to follow God with all their heart, mind, and spirit.
This is the point that most aggravates Americans though. The book shelves are filled with self-help books tinged with passages from scripture taken out of context and forced to obey the philosophy of the time. How often do we listen to Joel Olstein or some other schmuck in slicked back hair and a three piece suit telling us life will be okay if we just follow God's instructions. The fact is that following God's instructions is pitiful, painful, and pure suffering. No amount of sugar coating will get us around this. The Bible isn't joking when it says that every day we are crucified with Christ.
The fact is we don't live in a Christian nation. We never have. Trust me, I'm an history major. (Famous last words.) The people in this country say they don't want to give the money to help the poor; they don't want to pay for better health care, schools, infrastructure, and development; they don't want to end abortion; they don't want much of anything except to have a big screen television, a cushy job, and a decent tax break around April.
Then they do something good and they feel like they have appeased God. Some distant memory of what they should have done, who they should have been, came into their hearts and mind for a split second and they think they have tasted the wellspring of everlasting happiness and goodness and have it in with God. I have done "good things" and I still come back to that dream and doubt ... and doubt.
I doubt because I am probably more American then I would like to admit. I haven't gone to save starving children in Africa or gone to fight for the right to vote in Asia or built orphanages in Latin America. American Christians put too much emphasis on what you have done and not enough on who you serve. Bonhoeffer once said it was better for a good man to do a bad thing than for a bad man to do a good thing. For the longest time I couldn't understand what he meant. The words were caught in my head all the time and I quoted it quite a good deal too, but it still never really made sense. It makes sense to me, but not to most of us living in turn of the millennium America.
It means the good deeds and noble causes that you and I have fought for are nothing without our love of God. I think back to the great saints and what failures they were and realize what made them saints was never anything they had done, but when God called they listened. God rarely calls us to be CEOs and multimillionaires. God calls us to suffer and find joy.[1] The Bible has its share of kings, but more often has its share of nobodies.
This here is what the devil loves so much. This here is what Americans hate so much. Americans pay lip service to Christ, but when push comes to shove we do things for ourselves. Who are we? What do we really want? Nietzsche talked about the rise of the superman and how Christ, though a charismatic character in his own right, had ruined that. We Americans follow Nietzsche far more than we follow Christ. In many ways Nietzsche was right and we would be better off to abandon Christ and the “lies” we no longer believe. We would be better off to live as libertarians and forget the “myths.”
Yet, I have lived the failed life. I have lived a life of trying to figure out the answers. Perhaps that is why the fates conspired against me and allowed to make me a Christian. I shouldn’t be one. I doubt too much. I read books “that a Christian oughtn’t.” I have friends who aren’t Christian at all. Then I think of Christ whose faith overcame the doubts that tried to assail him, who talked to people he shouldn’t have, and who was friends to people who were the worst kind of sinners. It really puts things in perspective. The lies vanish and one can see the false dichotomy. There is not should’ve in God’s book, just the question: are you willing to serve?
I am not, and never will be. My life will always be filled with doubts where I wonder if there is really anything out there. I will wonder as to whether there is a God in heaven and how this world could have ended up such a mess. I will wonder if that vision of Christ under a tree telling me all will be okay is real or whether it was all something I created to make me feel okay. In this wonder I will probably die as I have lived. Still, it is better to have wonder than to die without it. I should count my life half lived without the pain and its inevitable comfort.
[1] It should be noted that this particular thread could be an essay in and of itself. However, I leave you with this thought. Name any artist, musician, or business leader of any lasting renown who has ever known success without suffering. Van Gogh only sold one painting. The Beatles were rejected from numerous labels. Steve Jobs lost his company only to come back and make it stronger than before. Suffering and joy are bound up together. To miss the former is to have a shallow victory. To miss the latter is to dive into despair and oblivion. The walk of faith is just the same razor’s edge. The only difference being is that you have to trust in something else to make the steps for you.
1 comment:
Good post Phil. Effective, honest writing.
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